


Turn and Face the Tiger

by haledamage



Category: Pillars of Eternity
Genre: F/F, F/M, mild panic attack, slightly meandering plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-30 17:03:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12113250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haledamage/pseuds/haledamage
Summary: It's the Mid Year gala at Caed Nua and Kai's past catches up to her.





	Turn and Face the Tiger

**Author's Note:**

> for prompt 0005. Kai doesn't technically have an "ex" but she's had suitors in the past, so I brought in one of them. You may recognize him from his brief appearance in Fire-Haired Girl
> 
> title is part of a quote from Dragon Age 2: "There comes a time when you must stop running, when you must turn and face the tiger."
> 
> unbetaed, any mistakes are mine and mine alone

The Mid Year gala at Caed Nua was in full swing and Kai was in her element. She circulated through the room effortlessly, stopping here to greet a visiting lord and there to make small talk with a group of Crucible Knights and again to calm a stressed out servant who was unused to this much activity in the keep. Stop, smile, move along, leave them wanting more. She was born for this.

She made a point to visit with each of her friends, even Aloth and Edér who still lived with her at Caed Nua. The Kind Wayfarers suited Pallegina well, as did the perfectly tailored dark teal suit she wore as their representative. Maneha was draped in gold necklaces and a cloth-of-gold dress, looking resplendent and happy on Pallegina's arm. Kana pulled Kai onto the dance floor several times, each time a little drunker, excited to share stories of goings on from their year apart.

Edér was surprisingly adept at navigating the nobility. He moved around the floor much as Kai did, smile genuine even after hours of small talk, and his rich green suit brought out his eyes and made his hair shine like gold. Everyone he talked to heard a different story of what role he played at the keep--he was her groundskeeper, captain of the guard, mayor of at least a dozen towns around the Dyrwood, whatever he felt like being at the moment—but he left each conversation partner enamored and enthralled.

Aloth stood next to Steward and watched Kai's every move, back straight and hands clasped in front of him. He wore his armor and a sash of the same pale blue silk her dress was made from. He wasn't much of a fan of mingling, or of parties in general, but in his official capacity as her personal bodyguard he felt it was in their best interest that he attend. With a bit of cajoling, she even convinced him to dance with her once.

Sometime after her third dance with Kana, an elven courtier approached her. He was fairly plain-looking, but extravagantly dressed in a periwinkle doublet with lace detailing. A matching bow held his brown hair out of his face.

"Lady Akaia," he greeted with a flourishing bow, taking her hand and bringing it to his lips.

"Kai," she corrected automatically. She valiantly resisted the urge to wipe her hand on her skirt as she pulled it away.

He ignored it. "You look as lovely as ever, Akaia."

"I know," she replied shortly. Arrogance tended to intimidate these would-be suitors into leaving her alone, but this one just laughed.

"I see you're as charming as ever, too." He studied her in a way that made her want to call the guards. She made a reflexive move to grab her grimoire, but of course she didn't have it; it was unbecoming of a lady to be armed at her own fete. She was regretting following that particular rule now more than ever. "You don't remember me, do you?" he asked after far too long staring.

He reached toward her, blatantly invading her personal space. He wrapped one of her wayward curls around his finger and abruptly, she did remember him.

_One of Mother's endless dinner parties. This one was ostensibly for Kai's fiftieth birthday, but none of the guests were familiar faces. They were mostly folk or elf and all of them seemed to be the son of some lord or other._

_One of them in particular didn't seem to get the hint. He followed Kai like a shadow, interrupting her conversation with Ariana, hunting her down when she tried to hide in the library, squeezing a chair in at the table so he could sit next to her._

_He sat far too close, reciting mediocre poetry about her hair, her eyes, the curve of her lips. Kai was torn between the urge to roll her eyes or to run away and lock herself in her room until the party ended. It was only Mother's imperious glare and Kai's memory of her wrath that kept Kai in her seat through dinner._

_Arabella sat on her other side and held her hand all through dinner, giving her a squeeze once in a while to remind her that she wasn't alone. It was enough, at first, but as the night dragged on Kai started to feel increasingly trapped, the walls closing and pressing down until her heart pounded in her ears and every breath was harder to draw than the last._

_He reached out to her, touching a curl that had escaped her braid and wrapping it around his finger. "You have such beautiful hair, Akaia," he said again, "it's a shame you don't wear it down."_

_Just like that, the panic building in Kai's chest was a distant thing and all she could feel was calm emptiness. She grabbed her steak knife, briefly considering sticking him with it, but instead put the flat of it to the base of her skull and slid the blade through her hair. With a rasp, her meter-long braid came away in her hand; she felt both lighter and taller without its weight._

_She pressed the unraveling plait into his hands. "If you like it so much, you can have it." She walked out of the room with her head high, ignoring the shocked silence that followed her. As soon as she was out of sight, she sprinted to her room. She kept a bag packed with necessities for travel, just in case, and she grabbed it, a less conspicuous change of clothes, and her cloak, and was out her window and across the courtyard before the first knock sounded at her door._

Kai shook herself back to the present and took a step backwards, smoothly removing herself from his reach. He looked down at her in bland amusement. "It's... good to see you again, my lord." Both her lie and her distaste were clear in her voice, as was the fact that she didn't remember his name—maybe she'd never bothered to learn it.

He laughed again, just shy of sounding real, and moved into her space again. "Lord Bentley Thurston Bancroft the Fourth." He offered her a hand. She made no move to take it. He pretended not to notice and kept talking. "You're mother had us intended once, you know. She'll be happy to learn we've found each other once again."

And suddenly, Kai couldn't breathe again. This pompous, useless twit was bad enough. The idea that, after all these years of running, of avoiding bounty hunters and keeping her name and history to herself, that it had all been for naught and Mother had found her again…

Kai used the techniques Zahua had taught her to clear her expression, pushing the rapidly rising panic behind a wall of calm disinterest. She scrambled for something to say, a way to politely tell Lord Easton that it would be a hot day in the void before he touched her again, when Arabella arrived as if from nowhere.

Kai had always been fond of her older sister, even more so in the last year since reuniting, but Bella had never been a lovelier sight than she was at that moment, slipping effortlessly between Kai and her unwanted solicitor. "Kai, my lady, I'm afraid I must interrupt," she bowed, using the motion to push Lord Ashcroft back, "there's an issue in the kitchens that requires your attention." She then mouthed the word 'ramparts' and bowed again.

"Of course," Kai said, only barely keeping her gratitude out of her voice, "Lord Beaumont, you remember my sister, Lady Arabella Glentheen?"

She left before he answered. She clenched her hands at her sides, digging her nails into her palms to resist the urge to run. She kept her head high, trusting that the crowd would part before her.

Kai stepped into the kitchens and walked straight through without noticing anything, then turned left and down a hall. It was a skinny servant's passage, the walls brushing her arms on either side, and she had to stop twice and take a deep breath to calm herself as the weight of the keep pressed against her.

She finally reached the door to find Moire, Bella's wife, standing at parade rest, bronze armor gleaming in the torchlight. She smiled at Kai and opened the door for her. "Don't worry, Kiki. He'll nye get thro' me."

On the other side of the door was a staircase, winding upwards, and Kai scrambled up it as fast as she could. She threw open the door at the top with a resounding crack of wood against stone, and took a deep, desperate breath of the warm evening air.

She found a spot that wasn't easily seen from below and collapsed in a heap. Her breathing was too fast, too loud in the quiet summer breeze. She dug her fingers into the stone beneath her until her bones creaked from the pressure.

Every part of her wanted to run to her room, grab her bags, and leave again. Consequences be damned. She was supposed to be safe now, with titles separate from those she was born with, in a country far from home. She was so naive to think so. She should never have stopped running.

"Kai?" Aloth said carefully. She clambered to her feet, heart in a vice in her chest, eyes too wide as she stared uncomprehendingly at him. He took a step toward her, but stopped as she held her hands up as if to ward him off. "Kai, what's wrong? I've never seen you spooked like this."

Kai tried to answer, but couldn't find her words. She just shook her head.

Aloth took another step forward. He kept talking in the same gentle, calm voice he'd been using. "You're okay. You're safe. It'll pass. Just listen to my voice. You're okay, my dear. Come back to me."

Kai realized all at once that she recognized his litany. It was the same thing she used to say to him, back when he was still fighting with Iselmyr, when he would claw at his hair and bite his lip until it bled to try and keep Iselmyr under control. It hadn't been all that different from a panic attack, really, but there was something amusing in hearing her own words parroted back at her like this, and it was enough to break through her blind panic.

She laughed and could almost feel her ears pop as the pressure abruptly receded. "I can't believe," she said shakily, "that you ever listened to me speak to you like that and couldn't immediately tell I was in love with you. 'Come back to me,' really."

Kai's knees gave out under her and she collapsed onto the cool stone with a huff. Her dress was going to be filthy. Aloth sat next to her, still far enough away that she wouldn't feel crowded, and she was so grateful for how well he understood her. He made no move to touch her or come any closer. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

"No," she said, "if I talk about it I'm just going to feel stupid." She scrubbed her hands over her face, smudging her once-immaculate make-up. "I already feel stupid." She watched him for a long moment, but his expression never changed from patient and attentive. She reached across the space between them and took his hand; she was still shaking, but he didn't comment on it. "Do you remember I told you about when I left home?"

Aloth nodded and took a second to think before he said, "Unwanted suitor wouldn't stop touching you, you threw your hair at him and stormed out of the country."

Kai breathed a laugh at his summary. "Mr. Unwanted Suitor is here. He… mentioned my mother. He implied he was going to tell her I was here. That's what set me off." She closed her eyes as if it could hold the fear at bay. "The idea that she would find me again after all I've done to escape… I just needed some air. I can handle unwanted advances well enough normally. I just overreacted, that's all."

"He's oot thare minglin' 'n' swallyin' oar wine?" Loud, angry Iselmyr could be a scary thing, but her rage contained by Aloth's cool stillness was a whole other level. "Did he titch ye, Kiki?"

Kai didn't know how to answer that. She didn't want to lie to them, but she knew if she told the truth she may well be consigning Lord Woolsey to death, or at the very least a lot of pain.

Her silence was clearly answer enough.

"We'll kill him if ye want," said Iselmyr, and Kai had no doubt whatsoever that she meant it. "Fernent th' gods 'n' ilka bastard downstairs. He cannae say jobby tae yer mither if a've jibbed his tongue oot." Iselmyr lifted Kai's hand to her lips and Kai couldn't help but smile. "'n' if yer mither comes anywhere near ye it'll be th' lest thing she ever does."

Kai opened her mouth and closed it again, at a loss, then finally said "Is it strange that I find that romantic?"

Iselmyr laughed. "Na stranger than ony ither aspect o' oar relationship, a'd wager. C'mere, love." She held her arm out and Kai went to her, curling into her side. They stayed that way for a little while, listening to the night birds.

"Hey, Miri?" Kai said eventually.

"Aye?"

Kai took a moment to find the right words. "You know I love you, darling, and you have many great qualities," she said, "but you are not what I would normally call a calming presence. Why is it you're here and not Aloth?"

"Lad's sae crabbit he kin barely speak. He wants tae gang back tae th' pairtie 'n' pat th' fear in auld Laird Barnabas." Iselmyr grinned and added, "Tis nice tae be th' level-headed yin fur a chaynge."

Kai didn't know what to say to that. She could count on one hand the number of times she'd seen Aloth truly angry. The fact that he was that mad on her behalf made her chest ache. It must have shown on her face because Iselmyr leaned down and kissed Kai, slow and deep until her heart raced and she was breathing too fast again, though for a much better reason than before.

When they finally broke apart, Aloth had retaken control of his body. Kai could see fury still simmering behind his eyes, but his voice was calm when he said "We should probably get back to your party. I bet your poor sister's still stuck talking to Lord Oswald."

"Fuck," Kai said emphatically, then said it again for good measure. "If Bella hasn't killed him by now, she's likely to kill _me_." She climbed to her feet and set about trying to brush the worst of the dirt and stone dust off her dress, but it clung stubbornly. She was regretting choosing the silk one.

Aloth came up behind her and slipped an arm around her waist. He pressed a kissed to the bare skin of her shoulder and murmured, "Maybe we should go back to our room instead, find you a new dress. Or at least get you out of this one." Kai couldn't tell who was talking. The voice was Aloth's, but the words sounded like Iselmyr. Both of them, maybe. She supposed it didn't make much difference either way.

Whichever of them it was, it also didn't change her reply. "You are wicked, darling."

He chuckled into her ear and said "You're the only one who's ever said it like it's a good thing."

Kai leaned against him for one more moment, drawing strength from his embrace and listening to the cheerful crickets chirping nearby. When she was sure she was steady again, she pulled away and turned to face him, fussing with her hair. "Be honest. Do I still look presentable?"

"You look tired," Aloth said with a smile, "but as lovely as ever."

Moire was still at the base of the stairs when they finally came down and fell in step behind them on the way back to the great hall. She followed without a word, all the way back to where Bella was still stuck talking to Lord Finchley and looking like she'd rather be anywhere else. Moire silently took her wife by the arm and led her away. She winked at Kai over her shoulder and then they disappeared into the crowd.

"I apologize for taking my leave so abruptly, my lord," Kai said courteously as they approached. She waited to see if the panic returned, but she seemed to have exhausted it for the day. "I hope my sister kept you entertained in my absence."

Lord Barnaby turned toward her and his smile faltered as he spotted Aloth at her side. It came back after a few seconds of hesitation and he valiantly attempted to ignore Aloth who, for a man who spent so much of his life trying not to be noticed, was doing a passable job of looming over the shorter Lord Ellsworth.

Kai struggled heroically to keep a smile off her face. "Aloth, darling," she said casually, "I'd like you to meet Lord…" she scrambled to remember his name "…Bentley."

"Ah," said Aloth as if noticing Lord Gaston for the first time, "my wife tells me you're old acquaintances. Aloth Corfiser," he offered a hand, "Lord of Caed Nua."

Kai called on Zahua's calming techniques again and every ounce of experience she had at hiding her thoughts, settling her face into a pleasantly neutral mask. She turned her head enough that Lord Hatcher couldn't see her mouth 'wife?' to Aloth. His eyes glinted in amusement, but he otherwise didn't acknowledge her.

"Kai, my dear, it appears your attention is once again needed elsewhere," Aloth said and nodded over her shoulder. She turned to see Adaryc, well-dressed and looking supremely uncomfortable. She turned back to see Aloth leading Lord Royce away and heard him say "Might I have a moment of your time?" in an amiable tone that made her immediately suspicious.

She trusted Aloth to, at the very least, not kill Lord Westley in front of witnesses. That would be enough. Even so, she reached out her mind to Caed Nua and pinpointed Aloth in the crowd, following his path across the room. She then turned the rest of her attention to the other Watcher.

"Adaryc," she offered a hand and he grasped her forearm instead, "if I'd known you were here, I'd have found you earlier. I didn't think you'd come."

"Neither did I. I'm not entirely sure why you invited me, if I'm honest."

"I like to invite a few Raedcerans so the Dyrwoodans forget how much they hate me for a little while." He scowled and she giggled. "I'm just joking, dear. I wanted to see you again, that's all. Sometime when we weren't under fire." She grabbed a couple glasses of wine from a passing waiter and offered him one. He downed it in one breath. "I get the feeling you'd rather be fighting Eyeless right now."

"You're not wrong." Adaryc fidgeted with his jacket sleeves and moved as if to rest his hand on the pommel of a sword that wasn't there. "I'll be here a few days, if that's all right with you. Your… _husband?_ already set me up with accommodations." He took another wine flute as it came their way. "I didn't know you were married."

"Neither did I," Kai replied drolly.

They maintained friendly, if distant, small talk for a while. Kai carefully avoided mentioning their mutual condition and Adaryc barely avoided reaching for his boot knife when a couple who'd had a few too many glasses of wine veered off the dance floor and bumped into him. They moved their conversation away from the crowds and onto the dais with Steward.

By the time Aloth wove his way through the dwindling crowd back to them, Adaryc had finally started to relax. He even smiled a little as he approached.

"Where's Lord Smedley?" Kai asked.

"He suddenly remembered he had somewhere else to be." Kai raised an eyebrow at him and he smiled and added, "Really. He remains unharmed, tempted though I was."

"Mmhmm. I hope you're happy with yourself, darling. Nothing travels faster than a rumor with these people."

"Might be a good thing," said Adaryc. "Pretty, rich, powerful--if it wasn't for your accent, you'd be the most eligible bachelorette in the country. Maybe it's a good idea for someone to publicly put a claim on you."

Kai ignored the automatic prickly feeling at the idea of being 'claimed,' even by Aloth. Instead she forced a grin and said "Is that why you're here, Adaryc? Hoping to _stake a claim_ here in the Dyrwood?"

Adaryc laughed, a pleasant sound from the normally sour soldier. "No offense meant, but you're not my type."

"Because I'm an elf? Or because I'm a woman?"

"Because you're a Watcher," he shrugged. "One Watcher in my life is enough, thanks."

The great hall started to empty, slowly but surely, as courtiers grew tired of each others company and Caed Nua's wine. Some came up to wish Kai farewell, but most just left without a word. Adaryc begged his leave back to Brighthollow, and then it was just Kai and Aloth on the dais, watching the thinning crowd.

"You could have given me a little warning first, darling," Kai said, keeping her eyes on the party instead of Aloth.

"And miss out on the look on your face? Never." He reached out and took her hand; apparently his earlier declaration had made him bold enough to do so in such a public place. "You have an unfavorable opinion on marriage on the best of days. You were not in a state earlier for me to mention it, even just as pretense."

'Unfavorable opinion' was putting it kindly. Kai remembered the conversation in question from the early days of their travels together, when Kana had mentioned offhand that he found it surprising for her to be nearing sixty and still unmarried, considering her high birth. She couldn't recall everything she'd said in her ensuing rant, but she had said something about marriage being a sham and that no one had ever been interested in marrying her, only marrying her father's money and influence.

Aloth was right, of course. If he'd so much as mentioned marriage when they were on the ramparts, even as an affectation, Kai would have either slipped back into panic or rage. Neither are really the best reaction when speaking to your long-time paramour.

Kai found she wasn't _completely_ opposed to the idea of marriage, if it were to Aloth. He certainly didn't care about her money or influence, and even if he did he was already the second most powerful person in Caed Nua and betrothal wouldn't change that. And he loved her. Even on nights when she trusted nothing else, she never doubted him. Plus, Kai Corfiser did have a nice ring to it, all things considered.

"Thank you. For understanding." She wanted to hug him, but she knew he was uncomfortable with public affection. It could wait. Instead, turned to face him and said, "I think… it wouldn't be so bad, being married to you. Someday."

He touched her face and said, "Then someday I'll ask."

The crowd continued to thin until the only ones left were family and old friends.

Kai sat on the steps up to the dais, and Maneha sat next to her with a huff and leaned her head on Kai's shoulder. "Good party, Kiki."

"Better than last year's, at any rate," said Pallegina from somewhere behind them.

"And no one tried to assassinate you this time," Kana laughed, "that tends to put a dampener on things."

"I dunno," said Edér around his pipe, "could've used a bit of excitement."

"The night isn't over yet," Aloth said, "I wouldn't rule it out."

"I've missed this," Kai said quietly. "I wish the others could have come too."

"Could you just imagine Hiravias schmoozing with all these fancy lords?" Maneha cackled, loud in the empty room.

Kai giggled. "He'd have come in staelgar form, but still worn a suit."

They reminisced about old friends and told stories of their time apart until the early hours and when Maneha produced a bottle of brandy and several glasses from somewhere, they toasted to their family, both those present and those absent, and then they all started to filter off to bed.

Edér pulled Kai aside as she headed toward her room. "So," he said with a grin, "rumor is you got hitched."

"I--" she stumbled for an answer and settled on "If I'd gotten married, my dear, you'd know."

"Best man?"

"Maybe. Or maybe I'd have you give me away," she said flippantly.

"Kiki…" Edér put his hand over his heart. Kai could see tears in his eyes. It was far too late at night to have this serious of a conversation.

"Don't you 'Kiki' me, Edér. You're more family to me than any of my blood relations, even the ones who live with us." She didn't fight when he pulled her into a hug. "It doesn't matter, though, because I'm not getting married. Not for a while, maybe not ever."

"I know. I get it. But if ya ever change your mind—" he dropped a ring into her hand. It was a thin copper band studded with tiny blue stones. One of the Lovers' Rings. She already wore its mate. "I don't need it anymore. You don't get in enough fights these days that you need me savin' your ass with it. But Aloth's got a big hunt in his future and I get the feeling he's leaving sooner rather than later." Kai had been trying not to think about that. Edér nodded, reading her expression easily enough, and closed her hand over the ring. "Might be good for him to know you're still looking out for him."

Kai smiled at him. "When did you get so smart, dear?"

Edér shrugged. "My best friends are wizards. You pick up a thing or two after a while. Good night, Kiki."

"Good night, Edér."

Kai found Aloth waiting for her when she made it back to their room. He clearly wanted to know what she and Edér had talked about, but Kai just shook her head. She went to her jewelry box, removing the jewels she'd worn to the party, and after a moment of hesitation she put the copper ring away as well. Not tonight. She'd revisit the idea in the morning.

She turned with a smile and joined Aloth at the bed.

 

~~~~~~Bonus Scene~~~~~~

 

Aloth could feel Iselmyr pacing like a caged wolf in the back of his mind as he led Lord Finchley away from Kai. _Patience_ , he cautioned her, making sure nothing showed on his face.

He rounded a corner to an empty hallway and turned on Lord Garrison, voice low and dangerous. "Understand this. Kai means a great deal to me. Your presence here upsets her and therefore it upsets me." He loomed over the shorter man, who backed up a step unconsciously. "You will not approach her for the rest of the evening and you will never return to Caed Nua after tonight. You will not tell your erl that you were here or that Kai is here. If Lord or Lady Cirdani ever step foot in this keep or make any attempt to contact her, I will know you spoke to them, and there is nowhere on Eora you could hide that I would not find you."

Lord Quigley puffed out his chest. "Is—Is that a threat?"

Aloth let Iselmyr step forward a bit and Yardley blanched in the face of her bloodlust. "Absolutely. The only reason you're still alive to have this conversation is at my lady's discretion. Do not tempt fate. I am not so kind or lenient as she."

Wellington was out the door like The Usher was at his heels, and Iselmyr's gleeful laughter filled Aloth's head as they watched him go. _Fye, I think he pissed hissel_ , she said proudly. _Hawp he wakes up in a cauld sweat ev'ry nicht fur th' rest o' his life, checking shadows in case we're lurkin'._

_It's better than he deserves._

_Aye, but 'tis whit she wanted._

Aloth watched Lord Marmaduke run for a second longer, then turned away and went back to the party.

**Author's Note:**

> bonus scene is pure self-indulgence because I enjoy the tiny glimpses of scary threatening Aloth you see in-game and wanted more of it, but couldn't figure out a way to fit it in the main story :)
> 
> also congrats to the Pillars of Eternity community for 100 fics!


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